An Embedded Metaphor for Letting Go Past Hurts
By: Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D.
One day a client, Bill, came to see me. His problem was this: He was working on his doctorate degree. He had taken all the coursework, and passed the exams. Now it was time to begin the research to write his dissertation. Somehow, he said, he just couldn't do it. He kept saying "I don't know why I get in my own way. I just hold myself back from doing what I want to do."
Now having the time really wasn't the problem, because he was on sabbatical leave from his job. Additionally, he had income from rental property, so money wasn't a problem either. Here was Bill's strategy for not working on his dissertation. He got up every morning and reminded himself that later on in the day, say in the afternoon sometime, he would set down at the computer and begin the work. Then he got busy on other chores, and in the afternoon, he would watch TV or take a nap, or take a walk, and by evening, realize he had forgotten completely about working on his dissertation. He told himself that he had wasted most of the day, and evening was really too late to make any headway, so he would do it tomorrow. But every day he produced the same result.
By the time he came to see me, he was getting very frustrated and angry with himself. "What do you want as your outcome?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, "I need to understand why I am doing this. I've got to get to the bottom of it and figure it out."
"And what will that do for you?"
"Well, then I will understand myself, and then I will know what's really wrong with me."
"And how will knowing what's really wrong with you help you get to work on your dissertation?"
"I don't know."
"Then, how can I help you?"
"Help me understand what is holding me back."
So I told Bill to relax, close his eyes, and contact the part of himself that kept him from working on his dissertation. He said, "It looks like a big rock."
Then I said, "What is the positive intention of this part?"
"It's there to protect me from rejection." Then Bill went on to describe the time when he proposed a new business approach to his employer. He had spent weeks working on his idea, labored many hours on the proposal, and was sure the management would be excited over his new idea. Instead, his ideas were instantly rejected and he was crestfallen.
"I guess I worry that my dissertation will be rejected too-that all my hard work will be for nothing. So why try?"
"This part wants to protect you from failure, and yet, ironically, the real failure is not doing it at all. The only way to know whether you'll succeed is to go ahead and do it. If this part wants to protect you from failure, then it certainly wants you to succeed. Maybe this part can help you find a better strategy for success, since the one you have been using hasn't worked very well."
"I know, but I guess I carry that rejection with me. I just want to uncover the reason for all this. What happened to me in the past that I am so afraid? I've just got to dig down until I find it."
So I told Bill to close his eyes and breathe deeply and relax and think back to his earliest memory of rejection and frustration. Within minutes he opened his eyes and told me about it.
He said he was in the fifth grade, and it was the day book reports were due. Each student was supposed to stand up and read his or her book report to the class. However, Bill had forgotten to do his book report. When the teacher called on him, he stammered that he did not have the report. The teacher called him to the front of the class and said "Here is a lazy boy. He will get an F today." He had to stay inside during recess and write 100 times: "I remember to do my homework every day. I remember to do my homework every day. I remember to do my homework every day."
Bill said it was one of the more humiliating experiences of his life.
"Do you think this is the root cause of your difficulty?" I asked.
"I don't know." he said. "It was so long ago, it seems strange that it could still affect me so much."
"Well," I said, "What if that is the cause? Let's suppose it is. Now that you know about it, and it was a long time ago, and you are older and wiser now, how does it change your commitment to working on your dissertation?"
"I don't know."
"Bill," I said, "Visualize the part of yourself that wants you to complete your dissertation. What do you see?"
He sat silently for a long time. Finally he said, "I see nothing."
I said, "Bill, you have a good strategy for not working on your dissertation, and what you need is an even better strategy for working on your dissertation. Let me tell you a story about a man named Brian.
The story begins with Brian out on a river in his canoe. It is a beautiful, relaxing day. The water is tranquil and still, barely moving. All around, everything is peaceful, serene and calm. Brian is paddling his canoe gently through the water. He is alone on the river and he loves the peace and quiet. He is relaxed and alone with his thoughts in the solitude. The water is still, like a mirror, reflecting the view. The sky is a clear blue. The trees are green. It is a perfect day for floating down the river, effortlessly, on the gentle currents.
Now on this day, Brian brought along one of his favorite possessions-a plastic box full of rocks. Now these were not just any rocks. One was feldspar, one was lead, one was quartz and one was agate---lots of different rocks. Each was a different kind. Each held a memory. Brian liked to open that box from time to time and gaze upon his collection and remember where each rock came from. And that was what he was doing that day, in the canoe, on the lake. Just floating along...gazing at his rocks...remembering...
He picked up the feldspar and held it in his hand. It was heavy and solid. This was the very first rock in his collection. He thought back about how the rock came into his possession. It was not a happy memory. In fact, it was one of humiliation.
He was only 10 years old and one day in the classroom, his teacher called upon him to give a presentation. He was not prepared. He didn't understand how to complete the assignment. He stumbled over his words and the other children snickered. He felt terrible. He could tell his teacher disapproved. That day, as he left school, a couple of the school bullies followed him, taunting him, walking behind him. They yelled "You sure are stupid." They said it over and over again. Brian couldn't stand it any longer. He turned on the bullies and said 'You want to fight about it?'
'Sure,' they said. Brian was scared. He was trying to be brave. What he didn't know was one of those boys had a large rock in his hand. As Brian turned around to face the bullies, one of them threw the rock at him. It hit him smack in the forehead-hard! It nearly knocked him out. He was stunned and reeling from the blow. The rock broke the skin and blood began pouring down his face-into his eyes, into his mouth, down his neck onto his shirt. He screamed in terror. He thought he was going to die. He ran home. He could barely see his way. The boys yelled after him. 'Hey, why don't you finish what you started? Are you a coward?' And he could hear their derisive laughter.
When he arrived home, all bloody, his mother was horrified. She rushed him the emergency room, where he received x-rays of his skull and stitches across his forehead. It was painful and he cried. The doctor said there was no fracture, but he should rest in bed a few days, to make sure there was no concussion.
So the next day, while Brian was resting in bed, his neighbor, Mr. Reese came over for a visit. The man stuck his head in the door of Brian's bedroom. 'Mind if I come in? I'd like to help you feel better.'
'Sure Mr. Reese, it's okay. I wish you could help me feel better.'
"Hey! No more Mr. Reese. Call me...Grant...your wish...is my command. I brought a friend to visit you." And Grant reached behind him and brought out his cute little black and white puppy, named Secret. Now everyone knew how Secret got his name. Secret was a present to Grant for his birthday, from his wife. He kept asking her what she would give him for his birthday and she kept saying, "It's a secret." On his birthday, she handed him a large colorful gift bag, and out crawled a puppy. 'Well,' he said, 'The secret is out now!' And so that became the puppy's name.
This puppy had a very strange habit. You see, puppies don't learn by logic. They learn by association. The Reese family had a very small yard and they worried that Secret might wander into the street and be killed by a passing car, but at the same time, they didn't want to keep him on a chain. So they installed an invisible fence around the perimeter of the yard. That's an electrical wire buried around the outside of the yard, and when it is active, it emits a signal. The dog wears a receiver on his collar. When he gets to the close to the edge of the yard, his receiver picks up the signal, and he gets a painful shock.
The first day the fence was installed, Secret was resting in the shade of a tree, and he saw of leaf float to the ground, at the edge of the yard. Guided by his curiosity, he went over to inspect the leaf. Just as he leaned over to sniff the leaf, ZAP! He got a painful shock. He jumped back, surprised and indignant, and angry! He growled and barked at the leaf, as if to say, "Leave me alone, or I will teach you a lesson!" From then on, Secret always barked and growled at leaves, in order to protect himself and his family from those evil creatures.
He also learned to stay within the boundaries of his yard, after he got shocked a few times. The family eventually discovered they could turn off the electricity on the invisible fence, and Secret would still stay in his yard. He had learned to never venture forth, not take chances.
Now here's the sad part of the story. A couple of years later, the family moved out to the country to a home on a two acre lot, where Secret could finally have the freedom to run and play and chase rabbits and squirrels and have the time of his doggy life. However, by that time, Secret had learned to stay within a few feet of the front door. He never knew about the freedom and joy that was waiting for him, just beyond his imaginary barrier. Instead, he continued to stay in his comfort zone, defending himself and his family against those hateful leaves.
Now when Brian was well again, he dreaded going back to school, because he was afraid of the bullies. Fortunately for Brian, they were expelled from school and reprimanded severely. Since they were forbidden to pick on Brian, they eventually found other victims.
One day, walking to school, Brian saw a rock beside the sidewalk. He picked it up. It was the same rock that had hit him in the head! He looked at it carefully, and he saw little sparkles on the surface. He'd never seen a rock like that before. He put it into his backpack.
For years, Brian carried that rock around in his backpack. It reminded him to be a survivor. One day, in high school, he showed it to his science teacher, who said, "Brian, that rock is feldspar---very rare around here." Brian was fascinated that the rock actually had a name.
Brian began collecting rocks and he became a geologist. At one point he had so many rocks in the house that his wife complained. The rocks were taking up too much room! So he donated many of his rocks to a museum. But he still held on to a few of his favorites.
That day, on the lake, he stopped paddling and gazed at his collection. As he looked at each rock, he remembered. He found the lead while hiking up a mountainside. He found the granite while digging around in a quarry. He dug up the agate in a farmer's field. Each rock was a memory in itself.
The day grew warmer, and the gentle motion of the boat caused Brian to drift into a drowsy reverie. He was almost sleeping. He didn't notice his oar slipping away, floating out of reach. He didn't realize his canoe was drifting aimlessly down the river toward white water. He didn't wake up until it was too late. There he was in white, churning water, without a paddle. His canoe was tossed this way and that. He held on and tried to steer the canoe with his body weight. He hoped he could beach the canoe and walk to safety. Instead, his canoe overturned, and just as Brian was about to capsize, he grabbed the box of rocks, secured the lid, and held it to his chest. He told himself he'd be okay, because he could swim, and he was sure he could find a firm foothold soon.
However, the water was deeper than he thought. He could not find a foothold. He was floundering and gasping for air. He clutched his rocks tightly and tried to tread water. He kept going under and swallowing water. The rocks were weighting him down. He couldn't keep his head above water. He was in trouble. He would push to the surface and gasp for air, and sink again. He realized he was facing life or death. Only one thing was holding him down-all those rocks. He didn't want to let go. He clutched his box of rocks. Hold on or let go! Sink or swim! Now or never! The situation was more desperate every moment. Hold on or let go! Sink or swim! Now or never!"
At this point I looked at Bill who had been very quiet during the telling of this story. "Well, Bill," I said, "do you still want to get to the bottom of the problem, or do you want to go home and get to work on your dissertation?"
You are probably wondering how this story ended and whether Bill finished his dissertation. I'm deliberately not telling you because this story is not really about Bill or Brian or Secret, but about the dilemma we all face when we hold on to the hurts of the past and keep wondering why we are stuck, instead of taking action to move forward. If you are stuck on some project, read the story again, and decide how you want your own story to end.
While you are contemplating all the meanings in this story, you might want to also look up something called the Zeigarnik Effect - and I'm not going to tell what that is either. 2
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Judith E. Pearson Ph.D. maintains a private counseling practice in Springfield, Virginia, specializing in hypnotherapy and NLP. She is the Executive Director for Certification for the National Board for Certified Clinical Hypnotherapists. She has recently published The Weight, Hypnotherapy and You Weight Reduction Program: A Manual for Hypnotherapists and NLP Practitioners (Crown House, Ltd.). Her web site is www.engagethepower.com.
1 No more mysteries.
2 Many thanks to Ron Klein for providing excellent critique to this article and helping me improve the message.