By Brock Hansen, L.C.S.W.

Copyright 2006: Change for Good Press, Washington, D.C.

Reviewed by Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D.

"Whether or not we think we can benefit from criticism, we are all going to get plenty of it and we might as well learn how to handle it effectively. Shame and anger will inevitably be involved and those powerful emotional responses so confuse and overwhelm our experience of criticism that we will have difficulty responding objectively and effectively." (p. 21)

Shame and anger are powerful, basic emotions that often haunt and torture us. Brock Hansen expertly explores these two emotions in this poignant and highly-readable book. Hansen, a psychotherapist and NLP practitioner who works with "shame-based disorders," writes that shame and anger are responses to criticism and that sensitivity to criticism is ubiquitous in our culture. His book teaches us how to understand these two emotions and how to improve our ability to give and receive criticism.

Who hasn't felt the sting of criticism? While we often welcome and request recommendations for improvement, it is the unsolicited criticism that catches us off guard; that feels so much like a judgment that it evokes shame, or so much like an attack that it evokes anger. While criticism serves to maintain social order, we are not generally taught how to accept criticism gracefully or to give criticism in a helpful, tactful way. Hansen's book fills the gap in the socialization process.

In Shame and Anger we learn that emotions serve the evolutionary purpose of survival of the species. Anger motivates us to attack or defend against an enemy. Shame is a signal of surrender that allows survival when the odds against us are too great to risk aggression. If the one who surrenders is lucky, he will live, perhaps to procreate; perhaps to fight another day. However, to remain in a state of surrender puts one at risk for further attack, a lower place in the social hierarchy, and limited opportunities for mating. Therefore, Hansen reasons, "...shame is always followed by a surge of aggression that helps the survivor reestablish a sense of power and position." (p. 40).

The same dynamic can happen between parents and children. Children often rebel against parental dictates. However, when a parent scolds a child, the child's shame can often be reversed by reconciliation and the parent's assurance of continuing love and affection. If this reconciliation does not occur, Hansen predicts the child will develop behavioral and emotional problems.

Healthful shame instills conscience. Toxic shame, on the other hand, sets up a complex cycle of anger, self-loathing, fear and distrust, and accompanying negative behaviors that draw social censure and still more shame. Toxic shame is often caused by abuse, neglect, dysfunctional family relationships, or trauma. Many who experience toxic shame strive for an impossible level of perfection in an effort to eradicate feelings of unworthiness. The most common symptom of toxic shame is depression, often triggered by perceived loss of status or perceived emotional abandonment. Chapter seven in Shame and Anger provides an astute analysis of the biochemical and emotional components of depression, showing that the body often reflects one's emotional and social environment.

While Part I of this book discusses the author's theoretical approach to shame and anger, Part II gives practical solutions and healthful strategies for managing these emotions. Hansen states: "If we hope to make the best use of criticism we would want the process of interpreting the criticism to be generally calm, balanced, and objective. Instead, for most of us, interpreting criticism is a highly and subjective experience." (p. 81).

Hansen points out that few of us handle criticism in a manner we would like. If fear and shame are the predominant response, the tendency is to exaggerate the "truth" of the criticism ("I must be an idiot!"). If anger is the predominant response, the tendency is to disregard the criticism (He is an idiot!). Neither response is entirely healthy.

The first step is to calm the emotional arousal. Hansen recommends approaches from domestic violence intervention, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing, and relaxation response training, as well as yoga, meditation, and neuro-feedback. Then he goes on to tell us how to respond to criticism resourcefully.

"...in every generation of humankind, confident individuals have exhibited a response to criticism that minimizes shame and anger and gives them the best chance of learning from the critical feedback of others. A very few seem to be able to react patiently even when attacked with malicious and unjustified scorn. They appear to have learned that their own internal responses are potentially more damaging than the words of the critic. By calming their internal responses, they maintain their balance in the situation and can judge for themselves the truth or value of the criticism." (p. 101)

Hansen advocates values clarification and cognitive therapy as worthwhile processes for finding one's "internal compass" and for overcoming negative thinking. He also teaches the NLP model for responding to criticism, which helps one to a) perceive criticism objectively, as information based on another's values, and b) evaluate the validity of the criticism. Hansen does an excellent job of explaining this NLP process. I would recommend an additional step: c) visualize and mentally rehearse the new verbal and behavioral responses that result from changed perceptions and emotions.

Hansen also provides a succinct strategy for delivering criticism without shaming. He summarizes Liz Lerman's peer criticism model for group evaluation of creative work, and presents his adaptation as a one-on-one process. The steps are:
1) State your feelings.
2) Describe the desired behavior.
3) Ask for what you want.
4) Say thank you.
Hansen describes the steps in detail, with attention to the timing and structure of effective criticism. He includes specific implications for parents of small children.

The book concludes with Hansen's observations on shame and anger in the human condition. He discusses how shame and anger accompany loss, crisis or disaster, disability, addiction, divorce, aging and the prospect of one's own death. He examines shame in the social context, with regard to ostracism, censure, belonging, violence, crime and punishment, public criticism of celebrities and leaders, and the polarizing effects of political debate.

The final chapter is a worthwhile and thought-provoking discussion of shame and spirituality. Hansen writes that spiritual practices, such as surrendering to that which we cannot control and staying mindful of the present, can help us to release shame and anger. This chapter also examines the concepts of good and evil, forgiveness and vengeance, and the effects of power, control, and judgment.

Shame and Anger is highly relevant is today's political and social climate. Hansen is an astute mental health professional who treats this subject with knowledge and sensitivity. I commend him for his scholarly approach, his articulate treatment of concepts, theories, and methods, and his clarity and organization. I recommend this book to anyone who directly guides the lives of others: therapists, parents, teachers, physicians, nurses, clergy, managers and leaders. I also recommend it for those who have not fully mastered the process of responding to or giving criticism effectively and appropriately.

For More Information

Hansen maintains a blog for people who wish to discuss this book or anonymously share experiences of shame and anger in the face of criticism. The URL is http://shameandanger.blogspot.com. You can learn more about Brock Hansen's work and read his articles on shame, eating disorders and emotional intelligence for children at his web site: www.ei4rkids.com.

_____________

Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D. is a licensed counselor and psychotherapist with a private practice in Springfield, Virginia where she specializes in Hypnotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. She is also a free-lance writer and speaker. Her web site is www.engagethepower.com.

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Presented by: Jane R. Rosen-Grandon, Ph.D.

As you have probably noticed, requests for Marriage and Couples Counseling have skyrocketed recently! Following decades of high divorce rates, more couples of all ages and stages are finally seeking relationship counseling before it is too late. As a private practitioner, I have spent the past 10 years developing an educational model for working with couples, known as The Characteristics of Marriage Inventory (CHARISMA).

The CHARISMA Inventory is a tool, which quickly identifies areas of satisfaction and dissatisfaction in a relationships, helping counselors and therapists more quickly diagnose and establish a working agenda with their couples. The CHARISMA model, developed through research at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, identifies Love, Loyalty and Shared Family Values as the main ingredients in Marital Satisfaction. This path model helps couples see the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship, and learn the 6 basic relationship skills - Communication, Affection, Sexuality, Joint Decision-Making, Adjustment to Family Roles, and Conflict Management - which will improve their overall level of marital happiness.

To date, more than 60 of your colleagues have been trained in the use of CHARISMA. As a clearinghouse, my office makes referrals to CHARISMA-trained therapists and counselors on a weekly basis. Good marriage counselors are in demand!

If you are interested in adding CHARISMA to your therapeutic repertoire, please join me on Friday, June 8th, 2007 in Greensboro, NC for a day of training and continuing education (6 CEUs). The early registration price of
$149 includes all workshop materials plus a Starter Kit (materials for use with 10 couples). You are invited to visit our websites: www.dr-jane.com and www.charismatest.com. For registration or additional information, please write, email or call.

Rosen Grandon Associates, Inc.
3106 Edgewater Drive
Greensboro, NC 27403
Phone: 336-292-2116
Email: Drjanerg@aol.com

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Every time I teach my Public Speaking and Train the Trainer workshop, participants ask me if I recommend using PowerPoint. I tell them that the first time I heard the term "Death by PowerPoint" was when my wife came home from one of her graduate school classes. She used it to describe how boring it was to sit in a class reading bullet points on a screen while the instructor pretty much read the same material from his lecture notes. I told her that the term nailed the experience for me too.

Needless to say, I have suggested that my Public Speaking and Train the Trainer workshop trainees either use Power Point sparingly, or better still, avoid using it altogether. Recently, a friend emailed a link to an article published in Sidney Morning Herald (Australia) about some interesting research that makes the case for not using PowerPoint even stronger. To read the article CLICK HERE .

ADVERTISEMENT: Want more success building your practice or teaching workshops? If you answer yes -- you'll want to attend my Public Speaking and Train the Trainer workshop late in June this year. To find out about the workshop, CLICK HERE, or give Ron a call on my cell: 301-523-5659.

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Your are invited to list your practice in the "Find a Hypnotherapist" pages of the National Board for Certified Clinical Hypnotherapists web site. The listing is FREE. To view the way the listings are set up, CLICK HERE . Send me your info in two paragraphs (plain text in the body of your email). I'll format it into two columns for you.

For those of you who are currently listed, and have a web site of your own, please cross-link back to the NBCCH web site. Why am I asking you to link back to NBCCH? Aah.. good question. It's a bit like, "you scratch my back I will scratch yours". However, there is an even more important reason. The more links that point to the NBCCH web site, the higher the ranking in the search engines. That means more traffic to the NBCCH web site, and the more likely people will find our listed hypnotherapists.

NOTE: A small number of NBCCHers who are listed in the "Find a Hypnotherapist" pages have not renewed for 2007. 2007 renewal reminder invoices are going in the mail this week. Sandy Silbermann, my deputy, will be checking for those people who are listed and do not renew by May 31st, and will remove their listings from the NBCCH web site. If you want to renew right now, you can CLICK HERE to get the renewal form as a PDF file. You can then print it (you'll need Adobe Reader), and mail or fax it to the NBCCH office.

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By Paul W. Schenk, Psy. D.

Crown House Ltd. Wales, 2006

Reviewed by Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D., L.P.C.

Have you ever fantasized about being someone else, or wondered who you might be, if you were living at another time and in another place? Do you ever dream that you are living a life other than your own? In The Hypnotic Use of Waking Dreams psychotherapist Paul W. Schenk explores the therapeutic and spiritual implications of imagined alternative lives. Through "waking dreams" Schenk invites his clients to imagine themselves as another person, living another life, as a "dream character." The dream life provides the client's medium for working through current life issues and problems from another perspective.

Schenk hypnotically guides his clients to imagine being the main character in a fictional life---one made up entirely by the client. The client describes significant events in this imagined life and then narrates the dream character's death and after-life experiences. Schenk believes that the true power of the waking dream begins in the after-life episode, a time of philosophical reflection and spiritual exploration.

The author draws from the work of Raymond A. Moody Jr. M.D., who, in the 1970s wrote an astonishing bestseller, Life after Life, in which he documented interviews with people who recounted their near-death-experiences (NDEs). Moody found that NDEs contain common features: awareness of death, feelings of peace, a sense of bodily separation, entering a dark region, seeing or being enveloped in light, encountering spirit entities or deceased loved ones, and a return to the physical body.

Schenk tells his readers that when his clients describe the death of the dream character, they report experiences similar to those of an NDE. Schenk's tenet is that by imagining the after-life experience of an imaginary self, the client can reflect upon the deeper meanings and purposes of his or her own life. He asks, "What did you learn from this life?"

The waking dream is reminiscent of Dorothy's adventure in the Wizard of Oz. Waking dreams serve many purposes for clients:

* Clients discover previously unrecognized faulty assumptions about a problem.
* They can safely try out new solutions in a virtual reality.
* They can develop abilities and relationships they lack.
* They see their problems from another perspective.
* They establish a cue to remind them to carry their insights forward into their real lives.
* They develop insights into the dynamics of their current relationships.
* They use the waking dream to address metaphysical, existential, and spiritual issues.

Schenk asks his clients to dialog with the dream character, to see parallels between the dream life and the client's real life, and to discuss the implications of dream content. He also asks his clients to identify and converse with "spirit guides" representing intuitive parts of the client's own personality.

The book contains several case examples of waking dream work, with transcripts of the client-therapist conversation (often across multiple sessions). These case examples illustrate methods of trance induction, the use of guided imagery, and hypnotic language patterns. Dr. Milton H. Erickson's influence is evident in the use of metaphor, anchoring resourceful states, ambiguity, a permissive approach, open-ended questions, reflective listening, utilization, and client-initiated discovery. Each waking dream unfolds spontaneously as a teaching tale, created by the client. Throughout, the therapist facilitates the process by asking questions, encouraging exploration and curiosity, and suggesting choices and possibilities. Clients choose their own dreamscapes, work through dilemmas in their own way, answer their own questions, find their own meanings and interpretations, and draw their own conclusions.

The case examples include presenting problems such as trauma and grief, forgiveness, belief change, life transitions, phobias, and undesirable personality traits. These examples illustrate what Schenk calls "the overlap between psychotherapy and spirituality." He also reflects on the profound effect that 20 years of this work has had on his own life, reporting that it has led him to examine his thinking on past lives and reincarnation, the existence of spirit guides, one's after-life, out-of-body experiences, and multiple personalities. Indeed, in reading the case transcripts, it is often hard to tell what, in each client's story, is imagined and what might be true "paranormal" phenomena. Or is it the case that all "paranormal" phenomena are simply figments of the imagination and a game played by a creative subconscious?

Hypnotherapists, especially those who work with metaphor and guided imagery, will likely be drawn to working with waking dreams, and will enjoy this book. Like one viewing a Rorschach test, each reader will find something uniquely intriguing about this book, depending on one's model of what constitutes the human personality and mind. Some will find in this book much evidence of the subconscious mind at play. Others will see this work as highly spiritual, giving a glimpse into the latent supernatural abilities in each individual. Some readers will see in this book evidence of various therapeutic approaches and theories of personality, such as psychodynamics, ego state theory, Rogers' client-centered approach, Gestalt Therapy, and of course, Erickson's language patterns.

In The Hypnotic Use of Waking Dreams the line between reality and fantasy becomes slightly blurred, and entices us to ask questions about the mind and soul, about life and after-life. The answers are elusive, but the questions are sheer delight!

To purchase The Hypnotic Use of Waking Dreams, go to www.chpus.com. For orders outside the U.S. and Canada, go to www.crownhouse.co.uk.

______________

Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D. is a licensed mental health counselor, psychotherapist and life coach practicing in Springfield, Virginia. She is Executive Director of the National Board for Certified Clinical Hypnotherapists at www.natboard.com. She has recently published The Weight, Hypnotherapy and You Weight Reduction Program: An NLP and Hypnotherapy Practitioner Manual with Crown House. Her website is www.engagethepower.com.

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